The Crap You Should Buy: Valentine’s Day!

The Pault KeeperSH*T!!!!!

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and you just realized that you haven’t made the reservations, haven’t ordered the flowers, haven’t gone out shopping for that perfect gift for your boil or ghoul!

Well, worry no more my friends, The Pault Keeper is here to help you be the romantic bastard we all know you are! Jewelry, flowers…that stuff is so old school. We’re in 2009, kiddies! You have to step up your game! All that stuff is generic – you need to appeal to your lover’s inner-geek. Here’s some cool ideas that’ll either make him/her go “Wow…this is awesome!” or “Really? What the hell made you think I wanted this?”

So put the Sensual Yoga DVD back on the shelf (you won’t get what you want out of it) and throw away the poem you made of old Duran Duran lyrics…let the Pault Keeper remind you of….

The Crap You Should Buy

For Him and Her:

First and foremost, a movie ticket to see Friday the 13th!  Why?  Because Jared Padalecki says so!

Jared Padalecki

For her:

Scott Pilgrim's Previous Little lifeScott Pilgrim’s Precious Little Life (by Bryan Lee O’Malley)
This is the first book in the Scott Pilgrim series, the tale of 23 year old Canadian Scott Pilgrim, who plays in a band called Sex Bob-Omb and is dating a seventeen year old Chinese girl named Knives. Then one day he meets Ramona Flowers, the uber-cool hip chick who delivers books for Amazon.com on rollerblades. He falls for her (poor Knives) but, in a strange twist of fate, he finds out that he must battle and defeat Ramona’s seven evil ex-boyfriends in wild strange kung fu battles for her love! Sounds stupid, but this book is laugh out loud great, and a good read for both sexes.

Death JrDeath Jr
DJ is the son of Death. Yes, that Death. He’s a nice kid, with a nice stay-at-home mom, he just misses his dad, who’s working all the time. His first day at a new school, he tries to get alone with everyone, but ends up befriending the school freaks – Pandora, who can’t see a box and not open it; Stigmartha, whose hands bleed when she gets nervous; Smith & Weston, two twins conjoined at the head; and The Seep, a foul-mouthed, armless, legless fetus in a tube. Well, one day on a school field trip to a museum, Pandora finds an ancient artifact, a box she can’t help but open. Of course, they unleash horrible things upon the world, and now they have to band together to stop it! It looks kiddie, but there is a lot for adults to enjoy in this excellent graphic novel!

Jeaniene Frost's Halfway To The GraveJeaniene Frost’s Night Huntress Series
Maybe your girl would like something a little more adult to read? Well, Jeaniene Frost is the chick to talk to. Her Night Huntress series tells the story of half-vampire Catherine Crawfield, who’s hunting the undead, trying to find her father. She teams up with Bones, a vampire bounty hunter, and the sexual tension begins!. Violent action, explicit sex … the perfect book series to read on the relaxing Sunday after V-Day!

Sleeping BeautySleeping Beauty on Blu-Ray
Because every little girl wanted to be a princess, and, hell, if you’re going to sit through a 50-year old cartoon, you might as well buy the Platinum Edition, with the best picture quality possible!

iPod NanoiPod Nano
Because, really, you should have already bought her one, you cheap bastard. For an added bonus, why don’t you go ahead and fill it up with her favorite songs? The new mix-tape, really.

For him:

Fear 2FEAR 2 (Xbox 360/Ps3/PC)
Because if you’re reading this site, or your favorite dude is, he really probably wants this game. It mixes giant robots, futuristic soldiers, and Asian horror to make a scary, bloody mix of action and frights! It just came out this week, so there’s a good chance he probably doesn’t already have it.

Batman: The Private CasebookBatman: The Private Casebook (DC Comics)
Because he probably already owns The Dark Knight on Blu-Ray, but hasn’t read a comic book in years. Everybody loves Batman, and this book has the perfect take on the iconic Dark Knight! A great book he’ll probably end up reading in one sitting.

Afro Samurai DVDAfro Samurai/Afro Samurai: Resurrection Blu Ray
I just discovered Afro Samurai last week, and was pissed at myself for not having caught it sooner. The titular character is voiced by Samuel L. Jackson, with Ron Perlman and Lucy Liu popping up as characters also. The tale of a man trying to avenge the death of his father, this cartoon series combines classic samurai action, futuristic action, and Samuel L. Mutha-f*ckin’ Jackson! Totally worth watching, even if you don’t normally like Anime.

Hulk Vs.Hulk Vs. Blu-Ray
Did you read Aron’s review of this excellent movie? Take that, plug in awesome bonus features and crisp clean blu-ray video images, and you have a must see!

Nerdcore 2009 CalendarNerdcore 2009 Calendar
Because nothing says you’re a cool chick more than getting your significant other a calendar with naked women on classic sci-fi movie posters.  Buy the calendar at the Nerdcore official site.

6 comments on “The Crap You Should Buy: Valentine’s Day!Add yours →

  1. Simply want to say your article is brilliant. The clarity in your post is simply striking and i can take for granted you are an expert on this subject. Well with your permission allow me to grab your rss feed to keep up to date with incoming post. Thanks a million and please keep up the ac complished work

  2. Valentine’s Day is a bogus, made-up, greeting card holiday. Good men, like myself, don’t need to be told when to love and adore our wives. It’s a ridiculous occasion!

    That said, I’ve already got the V-Day haul ready for The Wife.

  3. Wow, you really are a romatic bastard after all aren’t you? Becca is one lucky girl. Who needs hearts and flowers when you have Death Jr. and naked sci-fi women?

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