Madness at the Movies: Piranha 3-D

In the mood for blood and boobs in glorious, glorious three dimensions?

Looks no further than Piranha 3D!

We finally get some horror this summer (the last horror film released theatrically, I think, was Nightmare on Elm Street back in April/May), at the very end.  I really am tired of seeing “Watch it in DIGITAL 3D” at the end of every trailer nowadays, knowing that most movie companies are converting movies post-production just to get the extra money that helped Avatar become the highest grossing movie of all time.

Piranha was converted to 3D post-production, but I had high hopes that, unlike most 3D movies, Piranha would make the best use of its 3D.  In my opinion, even though the movies weren’t necessarily that great, The Final Destination and My Bloody Valentine were some of the best live-action uses of 3D I’ve seen since 3D became all the rage.  Horror in 3D is just about the only 3D worth paying the extra funds for … but was Piranha worth that extra $3.50 charge?

Piranha features an all-star cast including Elizabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Kelly Brook, Jerry O’Connell, Richard Dreyfuss and Christopher Lloyd.  Not to mention all the young kids who’s names I really don’t know.  The premise is simple – an earthquake opens up a crater to an ancient lake filled with deadly man-eating piranha.  Piranha show up, eat people, chaos ensues.  Really, that’s all you need to know.  Oh, that and…

There’s more nudity in Piranha 3D than I’ve seen in all 2010 films with nudity combined.  Not only that, it’s in 3D1  And it’s got Billy Zane’s ex, Kelly Brook all naked and swimming around.  Why are you still reading this?

Oh wait…probably because you want to know if the film was any good.  Honestly, Piranha is a bundle of awesome fun (this summer really is going to be remembered for a ton of fun movies)…except when it’s not.  See, Piranha is a bit of a bipolar film – you get a bunch of boobs, and some truly fun piranha action…and then, when the shit hits the fan, it’s so deadly serious it takes you out of it a bit.  The gore is surprisingly realistic, the wounds gory and fleshy and, frankly, f*cking terrifying.  It’s like watching Saving Private Ryan with killer fish, and more gore.  It’s a bit weird – it’s like all the fun drains out of the film for about twenty minutes.

Not only that…the film just kind of ends.  Some of the storylines end, but there’s not really a satisfying denouement to the main storyline.  I mean, I know I’m watching a stupid movie about killer fish…but it still would have been nice to, you know, END the movie.

The performances are solid all around – Jerry O’Connell puts in a performance that makes me wish I’d see him in more films.  Elizabeth Shue is older…but still pretty cute.  Ving Rhames is….Ving Rhames.  Oh, and the Richard Dreyfuss character…yeah, it’s a fun in joke, but that’s about it.

Still, for all it’s faults, Piranha is worth seeing, and worth seeing on the big screen, and in 3D.  When it’s fun, you’re watching the type of horror film we don’t see very often.  And when it’s not, it’s still good – it’s just a bit of a downer after watching all sorts of naked lesbian kissing.  But you probably stopped reading this after the Kelly Brook picture above anyway.

Paul's Awesomeness Score - 7 out of 10

0 comments on “Madness at the Movies: Piranha 3-DAdd yours →

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *