Funnybooks After Hours: Dinner Party Guest List

This week’s question:

You’re hosting a dinner party and can invite comic book character you’d like, who’s on your guest list?

Aron answers at once.

GHOST (aka Elisa Cameron): Okay, sure. She’s dead and all, but still manages to fight crime. So I imagine she’s up on current events, right? I think she’d be a terrific guest. She’d be able to talk about all the cool dead people she’s met (like JFK, and Andy Kauffman – but not Elvis, since he ain’t dead — he sends me messages in my dreams, but that’s another story). Plus, we have an actual non-crime-fighting ghost resident here at our house (no work ethic at all, our ghost). That should make Elisa feel right at home (and maybe she’ll inspire our ghost)! The added bonus is that as a phantom, she’s not likely to eat too much. The odds of us serving beef tenderloin just went up!

BLACK CANARY (aka Dinah Laurel Lance): I must confess that I have had a crush on Black Canary since I was 12 years old. I remember reading one of those old Justice League of America dollar comics and there was this panel of Dinah changing out of her costume after a hard night’s crime fighting. The panel featured her bare-backed in those fishnet stockings. Sweet puddin’, I was in love from that moment on… Over the years, I have grown to appreciate her not just for those fantastic gams – but also for her skills and humor. Remember her ill-treatment in Green Arrow: The Longbow Hunters? Kidnapped by drug lords, she was tortured nearly to death resulting in the loss of her super-powered canary cry and was rendered barren. But the Canary bounced back. Chick’s got mad skills, a sense of humor, and style. And let’s not forget those drumsticks! Woof!

SHE-HULK (aka Jennifer Walters-Jameson): Originally, I was gonna’ invite the Hulk. But you never know when he’s gonna start breakin’ your stuff and he only likes beans. I am not blowing gourmet on a guy who’d be just as happy chowing on a can of Ranch Style. Then I thought about his cousin, She-Hulk. She’s big and green, and has all of the culture that Bruce Banner’s alter-ego doesn’t. Also, she is an attorney. When we get tired of hearing about her work with the Avengers and the Fantastic Four, she can share courtroom stories. Kind of a Tick-meets-Boston Legal sort of thing.

CONCRETE (aka Ron Lithgow): Before having his brain transplanted into an android form of extra-terrestrial manufacture, Ron was a speechwriter for a U.S. Senator. He’ll have excellent political stories, though I hear he can be quite a bore about the environment. The scales are tipped in his favor as, like Ghost, he doesn’t eat. Or at least not people food. I think he eats rocks.

ME (aka Aron): I’ll be there of course. I mix a mean martini.

DRACULA (aka Justin Drake, Dr Vlad): Of course, I’m not talking about any old Dracula. I refer of course to Mr. Tomb of Dracula himself, the Lord of the Vampires. Dracula is one cool customer, playing fierce for big stakes. He realizes that he has longevity over his enemies. He can wait them out. He’s a man of breeding, a man of manners and, as depicted in the pages of TOD, a man who loves deeply. He’s a charmer, this Dracula. He has a way with the ladies! Clearly, he’d be hit at any party!

HOWARD THE DUCK (aka Howard): Okay, so Howard is an ornery sort given to complaining. He’s cynical and curmudgeonly, but – hey – he’s a talking duck that smokes cigars! Gotta love dat!

MS. MARVEL (aka Carol Danvers, Binary, Warbird, Hot Mama): Let’s face it, Ms. Marvel’s got it going on. Before gaining her super-powers she flew fighters in the USAF and served as a CIA “spook.” As a superhero, she’s fought alongside the X-Men and the Avengers. Add to that, she can drink Tony Stark under the table. She tells some great stories… especially the one about how she laid the smack down on the Brood. And hey, she’s smokin’ hot. Yeah, Ms. Marvel’s coming to the party. Sittin’ right next to me.

BLACK ADAM (aka Teth Adam, Theo Adam): Certainly Black Adam has a questionable past. The ruler of Kahndaq has recently taken a hard line on crime tearing a known villain apart in a press conference and poking out Psycho Pirate’s eyes through the back of his head taking a mass of brains with it. So, he’s conservative. Doesn’t mean he can’t be a good dinner guest! Besides, he’s thousands of years old. How many great stories does he have? Thousands, my friend. Thousands.

Paul shakes his head.

“Ya know,” He says, “I think I’d prefer to do dinner out with my cast of characters. I’d imagine that my house would be destroyed were I to actually have them in it.

Tony Stark – because even though I don’t think I’d find him the least bit interesting, I’m sure he’d pick up the tab for dinner or, at the very least, give me a wicked awesome host gift.

Dick Grayson – Probably the sanest of the bunch. I’m sure he could probably come up with enough one-liners to keep things funny all night. And, failing that, his acrobatic background would make him really good at Scategories.

Danny Rand – Yeah, another rich acrobatic guy. But Danny seems like a genuinely nice guy. And, if Dick were to go on the other Scategories team, I’d need someone just as chop-socky on mine. Best to play it safe.

Jackie Estacado – Because I’ve always wanted to have dinner with someone who was in the mafia. Plus, Jackie’s Darklings can do the dishes if I turn off the lights in the kitchen.

Mystique – Intelligent and sexy and, if she starts to get boring, I’ll just ask her to pretend to be someone else. Win-win!

Tim Drake and Damian Wayne – So they can banter back and forth, providing endless hours of entertainment to my fellow guests.

Doctor Strange – For the magic tricks!

Thanos – to kill anyone who overstays their visit

Spider-Woman – Pretty much just for post-dinner sex. She doesn’t even need to show up for the actual meal, should she choose not to.

Danielle Baptiste – Read “Spider-Girl,” and add “Simultaneously” to the description

Tim approves of at least one of Paul’s picks.

Dick Grayson: Interesting to hear about his days on the force and working for the Bat.  Which serves the greater good?  Interesting discussion.

Thor: Tales of epic battles, wenching and avenging?  Aye, count me in.

Ravager: Hot, crazy and skilled with the cutlery.

Thing: Seems like a fun guy to have at a dinner party.

Zatanna: Skool doog ni tenhsif, ffun dais.

Guy Gardner:
Can’t have an Angst off without my favorite lantern, can I?

“Interesting choices for a dinner party,” Wayne muses. “For me I’m going to focus on a balanced group.”

First I want an immortal character or at least one that time travels so they would have interesting stories from all across history. They could tell us what our history books have wrong and answer questions about real life events. For this there are quite a few characters and my initial reaction is to go with Armstrong from the old Valiant comics. I don’t think that he is well know though so instead I’m going to Vandal Savage. He is sophisticated enough for a dinner party, but has certainly gotten his hands dirty over the years. He could carry on interesting conversations while being diplomatic enough to avoid confrontation.

Next I want someone funny. Dinner parties always need a person to get everyone laughing so they can let loose. I had a few people in mind, but most would be too over the top for a dinner party. I’m going to go with Spiderman for this role.

Ok, now it’s time to get into some pretty faces here. We need some eligible and preferably flirtatious women at this diner party. The character that seems to personify this more than anyone is She-Hulk. She has always been very flirtation and if anything gets out of hand she will step in and get everyone back in line.

Now we need another woman and preferably one that will have interesting things to say and have a way of lighting up a room. If she has a talent and can entertain everyone after dinner that’s just a bonus. The best fit for this role that I can come up with is Dazzler.

You just can’t have a dinner party without the socially awkward person that just seems to stand out. This is the person who just keeps putting his foot in his mouth, but in the process feeds lines to the others. I’m filling this role with Booster Gold.

Now to keep the female ratio and cleavage high I’m rounding out my dinner party with both Black Cat and Catwoman. I’m also putting a beautiful cat statue up on the mantle to see which one ends up winning and leaving the house with the statue.

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