Beware…The Terminators!

Are you ready for the awesome terror that is…The Terminators?  The newest mockbuster from Asylum Entertainment was released with little to no fanfare in order to avoid lawsuits from the big boys at Warner Bros.  How did this obvious masterpiece of modern cinema measure up?  Click the below pic to read our review!

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Click here to find out how to terminate 90 minutes of your life!

What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?

Didn’t Jeremy London use to have a career?  I mean, yeah, Party of Five, but the dude was also in Mallrats and Gods and Genrals also.  Now his resume is getting filled with these lousy DTV films (see my review of The Devil’s Tomb).  At least that one had an Oscar winner in it.  And wasn’t called The Terminators.

And why is it okay to say “nucular” now?  “Nuclear.”  “New-cle-are.”  Say it with me now.

You know, I read a review for this piece of sh*t online that actually said it was a halfway decent film.  I don’t agree.  This is a godless piece of cinematic abortion that should be stricken from the face of the Earth.  And you’re talking to the guy who gave Wolverine an 8 out of 10.  Joe, give this one a shot.  We may find something we agree on.

Even he can't believe how bad this flick is.
Even he can't believe how bad this flick is.

So…it’s modern day (I guess it is…who the hell knows), but on some space station, the TR-5’s (which are essentially Terminators, but maybe like Cylons) have rebelled against their human creators.  There’s some type of space battle stuff, then they attack the Earth, just kind of shooting at people (including a roomful of psychics?  What did that have to do with anything?) and pounding their faces in a scene that reminded me of a Family Guy episode.  We follow a group of survivors as they run through some woods, steal a vehicle and either crash it, run out of gas, or someone happens to fall out (seriously, it happens twice), until they get someplace that Jeremy London is taking them, get on a rocket, go to the TR-5 controling station thing, where the Terminators all power down because they’re drained of power by…a cylon looking robot?  How is this the upgrade to the muscular guy models?  And they shoot it out of an airlock or something where it goes floating out into space like gummy bears in a weightless environment (it looks like that – really).  They hit the off switch (seriously) and turn off the Terminators.  This begs the question as to why they were trying to turn off the TR-5’s in a computer at all when there was a big ass off switch clearly labelled.  Umm…and then it’s over.

I should have warned you of spoilers, but the only thing spoiled by watching this film will be your night.  I’ve seen better acting from a local car salesman commercial.  I mean, what the hell?  I haven’t seen a ton of Asylum stuff, but seriously?  This was just insulting, and boring!  How do you make a 90 minute film about robots blowing sh*t up boring?  I’m almost afraid to see Transmorphers now.

Terminated.  Er...Terminatored.
Terminated. Er...Terminatored.

Why do the robots talk like they’re angry?  And breathe hard when they run?  You know, some of the green screen stuff is awful, but on the other hand, some of the effects are halfway not-insulting.  The space station at the beginning isn’t bad, and some of the camera tricks that allow multiple Terminators to be on screen at the same time (they’re all played by the same dude) are pretty impressive.  Just…wow.  What a waste.  And the TR-5 all have semi-automatic pistols, but can’t shoot for sh*t.  Ugh.

Amazon shows this for $22.49.  You can probably get all three of the original Terminator films for that price.  Or least get T2 on Blu-Ray.  Skip it.  It’s not even so bad it’s fun, like D-War.  I giggled at some of the scenes, but not enough to make the experience worth it.  F*ck this movie!

Paul's Awesomeness Score - 1 out of 10!Paul’s Awesomeness Score – 1 out of 10!

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