The end of the year is quickly approaching, and for many folks, that means gift giving decisions are hanging heavily overhead. Choosing the right present is stressful enough, but (especially with the current economic situation) many of us also struggle with other gift-related decisions as well – who do you give to, how expensive of a present do you give, and what types of gifts are and aren’t appropriate for each recipient. These challenges plague our pre-holiday thoughts, and the anxiety that accompanies them can put a damper on our otherwise high holiday spirits.

In order to restore some of the jolly in your holiday, we’re offering some simple Do’s and Don’ts from One Geek to Another. Hopefully these simple tips will help minimize your gift-giving tension and ensure your gifts are received in the holiday spirit they’re intended!

Do – Give presents the recipient will appreciate.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in sharing our own interests or allowing our own preferences to dominate our gift choices, but remember: The present isn’t for you – it’s for the other person. Just because you love bad sci-fi movies or Spawn action figures doesn’t mean your spouse/parent/child will appreciate them with the same gusto.

Don’t – Give insults disguised as gifts.

Save your helpful advice for other occasions. No one wants to get surprised with critique in the form of a gift. Unless your giftee has specifically requested it, avoid presents that are designed to “fix” an issue. No work-out clothes, weight loss books, hygiene products, or exercise equipment. Ditto with gift certificates for personal trainers, stop smoking courses, or self-help programs.

Do – Be thoughtful.

Give some thought to what you’re bestowing on your gift-receiver. Don’t give animal products to your favorite vegan, or wine to a recovering alcoholic/underaged friend. Save perfumes or other highly scented gifts for those who you are certain will enjoy them. Don’t buy or make clothing unless you’re certain of the size/style/color preferences.

Don’t – Break your bank.

Especially in today’s climate, gift givers should never be embarrassed about giving only what they can afford to give. The days of maxing out credit cards for gifts are (or at least should be) long gone. It is better to give a small, thoughtful item, to make something homemade, or simply to share the gift of one’s presence and attention, than it is to go into debt buying “things” that inevitably end up broken, unused, forgotten or under appreciated in the long run.

Do – Give appropriately.

Gifts tend to come in three basic categories, each with a different “personal” level:

Token gifts – for co-workers, neighbors, teachers, group members (game, movie night, etc). These are the “unnecessary” gifts. They shouldn’t be too big or personal, especially since they may not be reciprocated and a fancy or personal gift might make the other person feel uncomfortable to have not gotten you something. Consumables make awesome token gifts – cookies, candies, cocoa/tea mixes, coffee, wine, holiday treats, candles, flowers. For an extra nicety, combine food/drink with a mug/wine glass/pretty plate.

Friendly gifts – for folks you know well, but aren’t extremely close to. These are folks you’re expected to exchange gifts with, either by tradition or agreement, and can be more difficult to shop for because (unlike token gifts) it’s expected that you find the “right” present for them. Good choices include hobby or interest items (art supplies, photography gear, hiking equipment, bowling accessories), movies or music (find something they own and like, then give something by the same artist/actor or in the same genre), or a more advanced version of consumable. Nice wine with a set of glasses or wine charms, for example, or gourmet coffee and syrups with a pair of matching coffee mugs and chocolate-dipped spoon-stirrers. Non-personal clothing items can be appropriate as well – matching hat/glove/scarf sets for cold-weather climes, or for the geek giftee, t-shirts with appropriately geek-tastic sayings/logos.

Intimate gifts - for close family members or people you’re seriously involved with. Only at this level should very personal gifts be given. Perfume/makeup/toiletries, for example, or personal clothing items (pajamas, underclothing, etc.) While some jewelry can be given as a friendly gift, it’s best to save it (especially meaningful items, like rings or engraved bracelets) for closer relationships.

Do – Give of yourself.

If you have a talent that your recipient has commented on, or can do things you know they have trouble with, don’t be shy to gift your time, knowledge, skill and experience. Gift a yarn/cloth/pattern shopping trip and the creation of a blanket/clothing item, if that’s your expertise. How about offering a system update, defrag and installation of up-to-date virus-control programs for your favorite not-so-tech giftee? A monthly movie outing (complete with door-to-door transportation) for someone who’s not keen on driving or who doesn’t get out much can be a thoughtful gift that keeps on giving throughout the year, as can a seasonal “day of yard work” for someone who’s time or health won’t let them keep up with pruning, raking or planting.

Pairing a small gift with an offer to teach or share your expertise can be a nice combination as well. A mixing bowl and set of silicone cupcake pans, with your secret recipe for red velvet cake, for example, or a digital picture frame with an offer to bring your scanner over and help convert old photos to electronic format.

One caution when giving your time, however – Follow through is EVERYTHING with this kind of gift. Don’t offer to babysit and then suddenly become busy when you’re needed, or gift a weekly/monthly/seasonal chore completion and forget about it. Write it down on a calendar/daily organizer/electronic scheduler, and be proactive about follow through. Be cognizant, however, of whether your offer is making the giftee uncomfortable or not – not everyone may be comfortable with time-focused gifts (see below).

Don’t – Give presents that come with an obligation.

Event or movie tickets, classes and gift certificates for services (spa/massage/manicure) can be great gifts – if they’re what the recipient wants to do. If not, they will either go unused, or under appreciated. Choose the activity carefully (especially those that happen only on a certain date, or require travel/childcare/fancy dress to attend) and only give things you’re sure the giftee will be both able and interested in doing.

Also, don’t invite yourself along. Unless you know the giftee really wants to see that movie/concert/event with you, just give them the tickets and let them decide who accompanies them. No fair hinting, or acting pouty if they take someone else.

Have questions about how to handle a geeky situation? Need advice on social etiquette relating to games, movies, fan groups, conventions or other geek-ful settings? Write us at  OneGeek@jesshartley.com and your question may get answered in one of our future “One Geek to Another” columns!

Dear One Geek,

In our gaming group, we have 4 men and one woman. Most of the players play characters of the same sex as they are, but one of the guys frequently plays a female character. This, of course, is fine in theory – however, every time he does so, he plays characters who are as antagonistic as possible towards the female player’s (also female) characters.


We’ve tried having group discussions, personal discussions and even in character interventions about this, but nothing has seemed to work. He just seems to love picking on the other female character, when he’s playing a female.


How do we deal with Ms. Ogyny?

Signed, Notta Hater

Dear Notta,


Some players have a very difficult time portraying a character very different than who they are as a player (or don’t even bother – we’ve all played with someone who’s characters are all “them” regardless of the setting or character type. Joe the Elf. Joe the Shaman. Joe the Space Marine.) This can cause them to portray different races, sexes or ages as very stereotypical – for whatever stereotype they may identify with that character type. A young person might play any older character as a “grumpy old man”. A person of one race might portray another in a farcical (and yet still offensive) manner. And some men may think they’re roleplaying a woman well, when they’re really being hostile or insensitive to the female players in the group. (The same can be true with women playing male characters.)

Really, however, while on the surface this seems like a male/female issue, it’s at once much simpler and much deeper than that.

As a group, you’ve attempted several methods of communication to let this individual know that his behavior (when playing some of his characters) is unacceptable to the group. It wouldn’t matter if the issue was sexism or racism or excessive violence/sexuality – there’s a social contract between ongoing game groups that allows them continue long-term. That contract pertains to the game staying within what the group determines to be acceptable guidelines. In most cases, this doesn’t have to be hashed out – friends and people who are invited into an existing group are able to pick up on what is or isn’t acceptable, and when they veer out of the group’s comfort zone, most folks will pick up on the rest of the group’s discomfort and move back to within acceptable themes and playstyles.

When someone doesn’t or can’t pick up on the boundaries of the social contract, then sometimes they have to be informed of where those lines are, or at least that they’ve crossed them. Once they’ve had a line pointed out to them, if they are still unwilling or unable to play in a manner that the group as a whole feels is acceptable, they may simply not be a good match for the group, and may need to be asked to leave (a topic we touched on in “How to Split Up The Party”, our August 23, 2009 episode).

In this particular case, since multiple warnings about his playstyle making the group uncomfortable haven’t worked, it may come down to brass tacks. I’d have the DM/GM/ST (or whoever is organizing the games) give “Ms. Ogyny” an ultimatum – either stop playing female characters or stop playing with the group. Since the hostility only seems to come out when he’s portraying a female character, stopping him from doing so with this group may stop the issue.

If not (or if the hostility transfers to Out of Character interactions), he may simply have to be asked to leave the group altogether.

Have questions about how to handle a geeky situation? Need advice on social etiquette relating to games, movies, fan groups, conventions or other geek-ful settings? Write us at OneGeek@jesshartley.com and your question may get answered in one of our future “One Geek to Another” columns!

Dear One Geek,

I’ve started up a website recently to review a variety of geekish mediums partly as a way of getting my writing out there and partly as a way to build a fan following so that as I get other long term projects off the ground I have a group of people who’ll be likely to give it a try because they like my other work.

I’ve got most of the kinks of writing, scripting and recording (in the case of titles that I do a video blog for) taken care of, and I’ve built reviewing rubrics so that I’m actually providing a fair review instead of fangushing or raging. What I’m not really good at is dealing with advertising. I’m not sure how to approach other websites to advertise on their space, is there a proper channel one is supposed to go through? I don’t want to come across as pushy and I can only tell my friends about my site so many times before I drive them mad.

Thank you in advance,

~Aspiring Critic

Dear Aspiring,

One of the biggest challenges that faces aspiring “pros” in any field is how to self-promote without coming across as egotistical or self-important.  The line between self-confidence and egotism can be a very thin one, and it’s hard to know exactly where it lies. Your best bet, I think, is to be straightforward and polite, and to be willing to take “No Thanks” for an answer gracefully. It’s rarely impolite to ask about cooperative projects or trading promotion, but if you’re turned down, any response more gruff than “Oh, okay, thanks anyway!” is out of line.

There’s not really (to the best of my knowledge) an established procedure for approaching other internet resources, but in general, when making an offer, there are some methods which may reduce confusion or potential insult.

First, identify yourself and your project.

“Hi! I’m Aspiring Critic, and I’ve recently created a website (www.yoururlhere.com) with a focus of reviewing geekish mediums.”

You can add a bit of “credential” text next, but temper it as information, rather than bragging. You might also compare yourself to something they might be familiar with, but explain how/why you’re different. Limit this to a few sentences, however – you don’t want to bore your audience or sound like an advertisement.

“Recently we’ve done reviews of XComic (www.linkehere.com) and next week’s project includes a review of this year’s YEvent (www.eventlinkhere.com). Think of us as Siskel and Ebert, if they rated geektastic items and occasions, rather than movies!”

Then, make your proposal.

“We’re trying to expand our readership, and are approaching sites, like yours, which we think have a lot of common ground. Would your site be interested in discussing reciprocal advertising, either on a formal (banner ads, etc) or informal (Twitter RTs, cross-interviews, guest blogs) basis?”

Thank them for their time.

“Thanks for considering working with us. We believe that through supporting each other, we can make the online geek community an even more useful and well-networked resource than it already is!”

And give them a way to contact you.

“You can drop me a line at Me@mysite.com, or call at (555-555-5555). I look forward to talking with you in the future!”

Of course, you’ll want to customize the text to suit your own personality and needs, but by being polite and pointing out the benefits to both sites, you may be able to coordinate some cross-publicity that will help your web site, podcast or show achieve a greater audience.

Just be sure to be polite about rejections, and if you do get acceptances, be sure you’re 100% responsible about following through with what you’ve agreed to provide in exchange, or you’ll quickly find yourself getting a reputation – of the worst kind.

Have questions about how to handle a geeky situation? Need advice on social etiquette relating to games, movies, fan groups, conventions or other geek-ful settings? Write us at OneGeek@jesshartley.com and your question may get answered in one of our future “One Geek to Another” columns!

While t-shirts, corsets or cat ears may be suitable for nearly every geek occasion, there comes a time when even we the geeky have to consider some of the two scariest words in the English language – Dress Code. Whether it’s for a holiday party, a family wedding or a new job, sometimes a geek-to-mainstream translator could be handy when figuring out what is and isn’t appropriate to wear. While there’s never a single right answer in these sorts of situations, here’s some geek-friendly guidelines that may help you navigate the murky waters of the Dress Code.

Assume that restrictions add on as you go up the list – thus if it says no flip-flops at Business Casual, assume the same restriction applies to Business, Semi-formal and Formal as well.

Situational - Sporting events, beaches, pools, etc.

Dress Code - As appropriate for that event. However, situational clothing/costumes are often not appropriate for activities outside of that event. Swimsuits, bike shorts, martial arts wear, and the like should be limited to the situational events they’re designed for (or Geek Only Events if worn as costumes, etc.)

Geek Only Events - Conventions, movie nights, geek-specific events (but coordinate the geek-you’re-wearing with the geek-you’re-celebrating – No Klingon foreheads at Browncoat events!)

Dress Code - Anything goes. Costumes, cosplay, fur suits, prosthetics, wings, dungeon gear, face/body paint, props, etc. Geek Uniform (geeky t-shirts with jeans/kilts/skirts for either sex). (Save the extremely sexual t-shirt logos, lingerie and overtly bondage-gear for adult only events, out of respect for children and other non-consenting public participants.)

Casual Public - Malls, informal restaurants, parks, movies, etc.

Dress Code - Almost anything goes. Geek Uniform. Geek wear – bowling shirts (with or without hula girls), rockabilly/retro wear, casual gothic, etc. Also, any of items from Geek Only Events, but be prepared (and polite about) the attention you’ll receive. Don’t be insulted if folks stare at you if you’re wearing your fangs on the bus – non-mainstream clothing in mainstream environments will receive attention. Also, be aware of your effect (physical or otherwise) on those around you – wings on the subway may quickly become weapons – be careful to not poke out someone’s eye as you pass by. Keep it PG to soft R, logo and revealing-wise.

Business Casual – Some casual workplaces for everyday. Some Business workplaces on casual days. Public events where you’re not flying your geek-flag.

Dress Code – Clean, good repair jeans/pants/skirt and T-shirt (without logo) or non-revealing non-tank top. Button-down shirt without hula-girls or bowling logos. Sweaters (no Freddy Kruger stripes!) Casual (but not overly revealing) dresses. No bare midrifts. No plastic flip-flops, although nice leather shoes in a flip-flop style may be okay. Good sneakers or casual dress shoes. No fishnets or mini-skirts. No costuming pieces or props.

Business - Many workplaces. Job interviews for workplaces where the norm is Business Casual. Casual weddings or memorial services.

Dress Code – Non-denim pants or skirts. Non-T-shirt tops or sweaters. Button-down long or short sleeve shirts, with or without jacket. Dress shoes (not sneakers).

Semi-formal - Very formal workplaces. Job interviews for workplaces where the norm is Business.  Formal (but not black-tie) weddings or funerals.

Dress Code – Suit (matching pants and jacket) and tie. Simple cocktail dress (for non-work environments) for women. Skirt/dress trousers and blouse/top (with or without jacket) for women in the workplace.

Formal – Some weddings. Some charity/gala/opening events or other social events specified as Formal or Black/White Tie.

Dress Code - Suit and tie. Tux if you’re asked (or have one you want to wear – that’s more common among certain sectors of the geek community than many parts of mainstream society.) Cocktail dress/skirt and dressy top for women, with the possibility of formal/ball gown (depending on the event.)

Again, this isn’t in any way my attempt to tell you what you can or can’t wear in any given situation. But if you’re looking for guidelines on what might or might not be seen as appropriate in given situations, this may help.

Have questions about how to handle a geeky situation? Need advice on social etiquette relating to games, movies, fan groups, conventions or other geek-ful settings? Write us at  OneGeek@jesshartley.com and your question may get answered in one of our future “One Geek to Another” columns!

Strangely, one of the most controversial parts of the Gen Con for the Aspiring Professional blog posts (or the Conventions for the Aspiring Game Professionals .pdf that was inspired by them) was the section on hygiene. More comments, conversations and mail came in about that one part than any other single section.

Not that I had anyone write in and tell me that that hygiene wasn’t important – I think that’s a given (which is why it was in the Basics section).

But some folks wrote in and said that they thought that such a topic was, if anything, too basic. That no one “really” needed to be told to shower every day (especially in a situation where they were attempting to make a professional impression). One reader went so far as to say that if someone needed to be reminded about basic hygiene, they “didn’t deserve” to find work in the gaming industry or any other field. Ouch – that’s harsh. I’m a firm believer that we all have our “things” we’re blind about, and that we can, in fact, learn to be less blind about them.

On the other hand, there were almost exactly an equal number who wrote in to say that they were glad the hygiene section was included. Some said it was a good reminder for themselves – that in the hustle and bustle of preparing for a convention, sometimes they’re tempted to let the basics slide. Others wrote to say that they game with, hang out with, or have been approached professionally by someone who really needed a reminder about basic hygiene etiquette.

Since it’s such a touchy subject, sometimes it’s very difficult to tell a friend, fellow gamer, co-worker or family member that their hygiene could be improved. Sometimes we are on casual enough terms with them that we can just say “Dude, take a shower. Seriously.” But not everyone’s on such easy terms with the folks who need a-talkin’ to…

So, I thought that I’d touch on the topic in today’s One Geek to Another as a public service. If there’s someone who you’ve been wondering how to broach the subject with, you can just tell them about this great new blog you’ve been following and send them to read – I can’t guarantee they’ll “get it” but it might work. (Now, if you’ve been sent here to the column and stumbled across this post – don’t be paranoid! It could be utter coincidence – but, then again, it might be worth thinking about whether you fit the proverbial bill or not…)

Daily Maintenance

We’ve all taken health class in school. The basics are simple. They apply to everyone.

• • Shower and wash your hair every day.
  • Put on clean clothes, every day. (Really clean, not just kinda clean)
  • Brush your teeth at least twice a day.
  • Use deodorant/antiperspirant.

99% of all hygiene issues can be dealt with by following these four rules. If you’re not following them, you should be.

Hygiene Etiquette

Beyond the daily maintenance issues, here are some habits and practices that are hygiene-etiquette related.

• Toothpick/floss – While good dental etiquette is admirable, don’t pick or floss your teeth at the table, or in public. Excuse yourself to the restroom.
• Nail care – Likewise, nail clipping, filing or hang-nail fussing are not public activities. If you break a nail and need to fix it, and there’s no where to excuse yourself to, do so discretely and without drawing attention to yourself. But maintenance care is not something to be shared.
• Farts – Yes, Terrence and Phillip go on and on about them in South Park. Monty Python made them hilarious and they’re a staple in Black Adder humor. But seriously? You don’t need to share. If possible, remove yourself to a private area (restroom or outside) to fart. If not, don’t make a huge fuss. Say “Excuse me”, and don’t make a big deal out of it. Likewise, if someone else passes gas, don’t make a scene about it.
• Conversational Topics – Hygiene and health issues are, for the most part, private matters. While you may feel comfortable going into detail about the effects of your lactose-intolerance or ingrown-toenail, chances are there are folks around who really don’t want or need the details. Save it for conversations with your doctor.
• Smoking – While to smoke or not to smoke is a personal question, it becomes a hygiene issue in two ways – firstly, be aware that even if you can’t smell or taste it, your habit does leave an unpleasant (to most) aura around you, not just while you’re smoking, but for a time afterwards as well. If you’re going to be interacting closely with those who don’t smoke (like at a gaming table, sitting next to them at a movie, or doing other close-proximity activities), please wash your hands and brush your teeth (or chew some mint gum) after doing so. It won’t completely mask the aroma, but it will at least minimize it a bit. Secondly, be aware of where and when you are smoking. Don’t smoke in the homes or cars of, or when standing nearby, those who would prefer not to smell like your habit. If you step outside to smoke, move away from the entryway, so that folks don’t have to walk through your smoke to enter or exit.
• Shoes and Boots – Even when good hygiene is practiced, shoes and boots can be a problem point. Wearing clean socks every time you wear them will help, as will changing between several pair (if possible) to allow them to air out between wearings. Foot powder, anti-odor insoles and other general maintenance practices can also reduce the likelihood of your shoes becoming toxic zones. However, if you’re not sure yours are non-offensive to be around, don’t take them off, or tuck them discretely away from others’ senses if you must remove them.

Have questions about how to handle a geeky situation? Need advice on social etiquette relating to games, movies, fan groups, conventions or other geek-ful settings? Write us at  OneGeek@jesshartley.com and your question may get answered in one of our future “One Geek to Another” columns!

Dear One Geek,

How does one deal with a Game Master who is blatantly unfair?  I’m talking about folks who run games who either pandering to certain players, or apply different standards to different players?

I recently had an experience where I was given the short end of the stick while the (very attractive) girl in the game could do whatever she wanted, and got all the best toys.

How would you suggest handling a situation like this?

Thanks!

- Wants Fair Play

Dear Fair Play,

The first thing to do in any situation where you feel you are being wronged is to take a step back and make sure you’re being unbiased yourself. Give yourself some time to look at the scenarios with as un-biased an eye as possible and take note of specific situations where you feel rules calls have been made incorrectly in favor of the other player, or against you. Are there any extenuating circumstances that might have been in play? Is the special treatment you feel the other player is receiving a one-time-thing, or is it an on-going problem? Was your ill treatment in one particular situation, or has it been a problem over multiple game sessions? Is it possible that your perceptions are affecting how you view the situation, or is the favoritism blatantly clear to the group as a whole?

Read the rest of this entry »

We geeks like our stuff. Whether it’s collector’s edition action figures, handmade costume pieces, directors’ cut DVDs, bootleg audio recordings, game-tweeked computers or super-lucky dice, we’ve all got something that we treasure.

And, at least to fellow geeks, it’s all pretty cool stuff. I remember the first time I saw a first-edition graphic novel at a friend’s house, with the author’s signature scrawled across the front. My first instinct was to pick it up and admire the autograph, maybe flip through it to check out the story. My friend’s gasp when I reached for it made me realized that what was to me, a cool trinket, was one of her prized possessions – an irreplaceable artifact of her geek-ness.

I kicked myself. I should have known better. My years in the Society for Creative Anachronism taught me an important rule about “stuff”. “If it ain’t yours, don’t touch it without asking.” Whether at a merchant’s booth, as a part of someone’s encampment, or in their home – it’s always better, safer and more polite to ask before handling someone else’s things.

While this is a rule we all should have learned in kindergarten, it was really confirmed for me when I started playing in the SCA. Since the Society (and many other theater or re-enactment groups) put a high emphasis on hand-crafting and creative arts, any item you pick up at an encampment could well be something the owner (or someone else) has invested countless hours of work (or large chunks of money) into. Just because you don’t recognize the value immediately, doesn’t mean that it’s not there.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dear One Geek,

I have an In Character relationship with a fellow player. That is to say, their character and mine have a romantic (and sexual) relationship in the game we’re playing. It’s an aspect of the game I’m enjoying, and we always “fade to black” (saying things like “and they go and have their fun” and then picking the role play back up after the encounter)  rather than detailing out our character’s intimate interactions.

Lately, however, the other player has been trying to push that boundary to be Out of Character as well. I’m not interested in a “real life” relationship with this person, but I also don’t want to cause huge issues with our gaming group or offend this person who I consider a friend.

How do I deal with that?

Signed,

Keeping It In Character

Read the rest of this entry »