CUE: OCD Old Man Rant

I’m not much on the all you can eat buffet.

Sure, when I was 20 years old nothing excited me more than a pizza buffet.  I remember once, when complaining to Mama at Mama’s Pizza that more pizza was needed on the hot table, she told me I’d had enough.  I had to emphasize to her that it was not all she could eat.  Rather, it was all I could eat.

But those days are long gone.

Unless you’re visiting some uptown Sunday morning brunch, most of the food on a buffet is quantity over quality.  Not so at Sweet Tomatoes (aka Soup Plantation). I love the selection.  Fresh salads, wide variety of soup, potato bar, fresh breads… Yummy, healthy choices!

My experience last night will keep me from ever visiting there again. (continue reading…)

Saturday, The Wife and I headed out to the Texas hill country for a wedding.  I didn’t know the nuptial couple, but Suzanne works with the groom.  So we left stately Head Manor early in the morning and made the 200 mile drive down to Austin.

It was a great trip.  On the way down we chatted, told stories and even sang a duet  inclusive of all the words to the Green Acres theme.

Suzanne sang the Eva Gabor part, me the Eddie Albert.

I made a case that Eddie and Eva as Oliver and Lisa ought to be our costumes for Halloween.  Jury’s still out on that one.

At the reception, I asked the harpist to play Freebird.  She blew me off.  Harpists are so stuck up.

This old guy approached me.  “Ken,” He said, “You’ve put on some weight since I saw you last.”

“I’m not Ken,” I said, “And fuck you.”

Lovely reception.

Once done at wedding central, we swung by Austin Books.  It’s been awhile since I have been there.  In fact, last time I was there the store was being remodeled.  Oh.  My.  God. (continue reading…)

I love fortune cookies.  The simplicity of the crunchy sweetness surrendering the paper prize inside?  Love it!

It’s that little slip of paper that I take issue with.  It’s a fortune cookie, so one would expect to be provided with a fortune.  No such luck tonight.  After finishing off my plate of Pei Wei goodness, I cracked open the cookie to read my message.

What would my fortune be…?

Perhaps an allusion to future riches?  A prediction of opportunities at work?  Maybe a warning of danger?

Nope.  I got a proverb!  An American one at that!

“A stitch in time saves nine.”

I hate that.  I want a fortune, dammit!

I’ve often thought that it would be cool to have the job of writing the fortunes for these cookies.  Of course, I want to make mine a bit dark.  My cookies would warn of ominous and dark futures.  For instance:

• The dog will poop on the floor tomorrow after you leave for work.  Your wife will see it before she leaves, but will pretend she didn’t so that you can clean it up when you get home.
• The man who will be hiding in your closet tonight with the very sharp knife enjoys the mambo hits of the 50s.
• He’s sleeping around.  With your best friend.  And he’s giving her your jewelry.
• Congratulations, it’s going to be a girl!  Not yours, mind you, but it’ll be a girl.
• There are many ways to die, but few more undignified than auto-erotic asphyxiation.  Just sayin’ (with apologies to Clyde Bruckman).
• You will receive a Cease & Desist letter from the attorneys at Paramount about those GI Joe articles the site ran earlier.
• For the love of God, do not get on the plane today (this one’s for the airport Chinese restaurant).

Wouldn’t you rather get a fortune than a proverb?

It’s…just…so…beautiful!  I totally want one of these in my house:

The ladies of the Kitchen Kill Krewe

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the spectacular food prepared for us all weekend by the fine ladies of the Kitchen Kill Krewe (not their official designation, but shouldn’t it be?).  Food was hot, tasty, and inexpensive.  Seriously, all con food should be as good and affordable.  There were several standout items on the menu.

Julie Hussey, Chris’ wife, provided baked goods.  If I grok a rightness, she has a baking company back home.  And wow!  I wish it were local, ‘cuz her food rocked.  She prepared carmelitas (sp?), which were rather like a cookie bar with caramel and chocolate and cookie dough… and they were a critical hit!  I mean, Arduin Grimoire stuff here, man.  Body split in twain!

And her muffins?  Get out! (continue reading…)

My buddy sometimes says “You know, I could watch (good actor) eat for an hour and a half and think it’s awesome.”  I always thought it was a little weird because, well, how the hell can that be interesting?  Then I came across God’s gift to television.

Man vs. Food!

(continue reading…)

Because we don’t write about enough damn things on this blog, I’m adding food to the mix!

Watch CBS Videos Online

I love how, at the beginning of the article, it sounds like a rather scaring commentary on a restaurant sure to kill you with its lard coated buns and scantilly clad waitresses.  Then the reporter eats a quadruple bypass burger, has his sweat wiped off by a half naked woman, and has his heart beat taken by a fake doctor who tries to take it on the wrong side of his chest.

I need to eat here!  For more on the Heart Attack Grill Diet Center, check out their official page.  Too bad they’re in Arizona and not, say…Hampton, Virginia.

Thanks to my buddy Scott for the link and to CBS News for showing a skinny guy eating four patties of meat and 8 slices of cheese.  Oh, but no fries.  Amateurs!

What’s biggest burger you’ve ever eaten?  Brag in the comments below!